Every mondays,usually my sister and I will set aside time to visit our grandma for the whole day...it's been some time..perhaps like 2-3 months since i started to suddenly feel very withdrawn and can't seem to like give emotional support to my grandma.....in the sense that talk to her really patiently and understanding her loneliness and pacify her insecurities.Today my sister saw her leg..n i looked at it..it was getting super super crooked...and there's so much inconvenience and pain when she walks......have been praying for her very much,for her salvation and health, however there seems to be no way out....i really dunno how to pray for her..hmm..cos her leg is so crooked..cant' be pray that GOd make it straight again so that it has no pain right...can only pray for her that after medication it will be better...but seeing her like that really hurts my heart alot!Really dunno how to help her..It's been almost 9 months ever since my grandfather passed away,thru this 9 months whenever she can,she will take the cd of my grandpa's last trip to china out to watch..whenever i am there to visit her..she will also take it out to watch..and to "watch my grandpa talk.."
She watches the disc so many times until 2 vcd player in my uncle's hse spoil liao....
she definitely misses him alot until now...and that she's all alone now...she feels very lonely.Although my uncle and family stays with her,they have work and sch till evening and even when they bring her out this and that it's not enough to cover that lonliness.Then during evenings everyday,she will go and work...BUt look at her leg...how to still go n work..to go and wash plates!standing all the way....yet if she doesnt work there's nothing for her to do,she will think alot...she wans to work oso.

During Christmas,i was busy with the musical and other recordings..so didnt really visit her.....then on new yr morning she called my fone when i was at isaac's plc..i was sleepy...and i knew what she wanted to ask..cos she will call every single day to ask if i was visiting her...and if i don't she will sound very dissapointed..so that day i passed the fone to my sister to ans for me instead cos i was tired and quite sian of the questioning and to bao gao to her....then she went to ask my sis to pass it back to me and ask me this.."issit i tao yan her,dun like her..why dun pick up her call this and that.." when i heard that..i was like"huh..no la..." she misunderstand me liao.....hai.... i can sense her insecurity,i feel so bad!....but at the same time..i feel so withdrawn...i dunno why...i used to be able to give her the patience that i could for the pass 1 yr....isit that i emotionally lost something?that i can't give anymore?or isit cos me myself facing insecurity that i cant continue to give love to my grandma who needs it more in this time when she feels so lonely..so lack of security?BUt for me,despite what insecurities i have,it's God and his love that makes us complete in HIm and that makes me able to continue to give and care for other ppl instead of just looking at my wet shoes right??... can only pray and ask GOd to sustain me and renew and replenish what i lack in my weaknesses..and for strength to care for her and be very patient to her insecurities.Can keep my grandma and i in ur prayers too?thanks alot!

written on
4:51 PM