Two months have passed, there's been multitude of
reflections about life,its questions, and
the choice that I make each day.

It's like dory and nemo's dad hanging onto the whale
when there's this intuition or you call it
" whale-language" in the context of the movie,
signalling you to just let go because it brings you
freedom and safety. You don't know whether to
gravitate towards it, proceed with caution or
simply just cling on to what you know is safe.
Whether it's a jump-for-joy thing or disastrous.



Trying hard looking for clues but finding none from the most obvious possibilites and places.

In a scenario like this:

Leaving suspended anticipation in the pessismistic note.
Making the heart pump a little faster, and the mind left to wander,
restless at the same time. Voices all around seemed a little too loud so you
hesitate and decide to keep quiet, wait and observe.
You start typing a sms, clear it and type and your finger lingers
on the send button. You write a letter but it never gets
completed; you press the numbers you know by heart
but you flip the phone shut soon after.

Something is in the air, not quite ready to make its presence known............
why so difficult? So much troubles?

I know I dont have the strength to play the missing game of hide and seek.

I will not run away and lose myself in the crowd because i don't want to turn around and realise that you're not at my heels ,which means i didn't matter enough for you to feel anxious about my disappearing act. I don't look at the tail of my phone that much as I use to, cause i don't want to check the alerts to find out that it's not you who text anyway.
There are times when I don't log onto msn, b'cause i just feel safer in own silence, crying my thoughts to our Creator. Perhaps these are power struggles of useless pride and unrealistic expectations. But, no matter what,I'm here.

Another scenario:

Then again, I hear news of the famous, world-recognized leader who is also facing the question of
life's toughest- death. One that has everything you can dream about, wealth, recognition, respect and power. But then again, death is still a great teacher. However, it can come too quickly, unexpectedly to anyone.

Last one:

Masking happening even in a church context. How does one tolerate such superficiality if not for the love of God?Some knowing and seeing it through give up doing anything about it, because they know the problem will still linger on and those people just won't change- I understand. However, it brought me to tears to find out that some, even seeing through all these, still stay on,faithful in their journey, knowing that there'll always be people like these in any setting, praying and waiting for God to bring justice in His time, carrying his light wherever possible.

Like a fountain gushing down, almost drowning me,wallowing in sadness...maybe these waters will help me find the core of what I stand for, who I am- someone who has been graced with millions of blessings, showered with more love and mercy than I deserve. Looking at myself through the eyes of our creator melts all the struggle within me. All I wanna do is just to lift my hands up, shout out really really loud, to praise and give thanks. Simply because, He lives!

written on
12:16 AM